Billy Gates is my B*tch!!!!

Yo.  I’m on a budget.  I f*ckin hate being on a f*ckin budget!  Excuse my coarse language, but that’s just how I’m feelin right now!  I mean, I’ve always been on a budget (just like 99% of the people in this world), so it’s not like this is some new concept to me or anything.  It’s just that my circumstances are a bit different these days.  Let me explain….

As many of you know, I was one of the 12.5 million people who were unemployed a few months ago.  Hey, sh*t happens.  Honestly, I wasn’t bitter, angry, confused or any of that type of stuff when I got laid off.  This stuff happens.  I’m just lucky enough that I only have me to take care of and not Mrs. YAKWII with 2 or 3 little YAKWII’s running around the crib.  That would be crazy!

fam

Actually, because of the way things were going at my old job leading up to the layoff, I knew it was coming.  So during the last few months while I had a job, I started going out in the middle of the week by myself.  It was awesome!  Tuesday – Thursday were my days and I met some VERY interesting people during that time!  Funny stories!

bberry11

I won’t get into that stuff now, but honestly, it was the best thing I could have done for myself.  I was still earning money and paying my bills, so f*ck it live life!

Fast forward a few months….  Luckily, I was able to bounce back fairly quickly after getting laid off.  I am definitely one of the very fortunate ones!!!  Being laid off sucked because of the way things are with the economy these days, you just didn’t know when or where you were going to find a job.  I have strong faith, so I was always confident that things would work out and they did.  However, let’s face it, there are more people looking for jobs than there are jobs available right now and that’s daunting no matter how you look at it.  I’m working again now.  The situation is cool, but not perfect.  Regardless, I’ll take it!

Aiight, back to my first point:  I hate being on a f*ckin budget!  So you know what?  My goal in life is to get to a point where I no longer have to worry about a budget!  I’m talkin like, I’m makin money faster that I can even spend it type money!  Money like I walk around wearing “Billy Gates is my B*tch” tee shirts and Billy Gates is the one who gave them to me because he feels like a b*tch because I’m kickin his a$$ when it comes to money!!!

bg-tee

So if my money is that long and strong, f*ck the modesty sh*t!  F*ck giving it all away to those less fortunate!  I’m gonna spend every last f*ckin penny!  In a way, I will be giving money away!  People are gonna make money because I’ll be spending a ton of it!  See, I help people!  To give you an idea of just how I’m gonna spend all this money, I’m gonna walk you thru one day of what my life will be like when I no longer have to worry about a f*ckin budget!

Morning:  For some reason, whenever I’ve been hammered the night before, I always wake up early the next morning.  I can’t for the life of me figure this out!  I’ll still be dead tired and partly drunk, but I always get up early the next day.  Since I’ll be so rich, I will probably get drunk every night and hire a team of people just to make sure I get home or back to my hotel safely.  (More on that later…)

First thing I want in the morning is fresh coffee. So I have coffee flown in overnight from Brazil 365 days a year!   When it lands in the city I’m in, it’s brewed in a French press and escorted to my room by my coffee specialist, Rosa.

coffee1

And yes, this is her official ID photo, that is her official uniform and she does come into my room dripping wet like she is in her photo.  Brewing coffee for me is tough work!!

Rosa and I discuss world affairs and other sh*t that I’m interested in while I have my coffee.  After my coffee, I’m then escorted to my private jet to have breakfast.

hello-moto

Can’t be too safe these days!

I’m sure you’re wondering why I’m having breakfast on my jet, huh?

jet

Two reasons.

Number One: Because I want to and because I can!

Number Two: While studying abroad in college, I was introduced to fresh baked bread in the mornings.  Sooo Goood!!!  Even the big chain supermarkets baked fresh bread all day long.  Stores in the US just don’t do it as good.

So just like my coffee, I have my bread flown in every morning, but this time from Paris.  And since I love the smell of fresh bread, I have the smell pumped throughout my plane while I eat.  I have half a loaf of bread with Nutella and the other half plain, 6 egg whites scrambled with cheese, bacon or sausage, hash browns and orange juice.  Breakfast of the filthy rich!

While eating, I watch the Today Show, SportsCenter and episodes of Aqua Teen Hunger Force on DVD.

While I’m waiting for my food to digest, I go inside the airport and taunt all the people who are waiting in the security line.

airport-security

I show them pictures of my plane and point out the special door I use when I board a flight.  Sh*t like this is funny to me.

After I’ve pissed off a good portion of the people in line, I head over to the gym.  I really don’t want to workout, but I figure I should.  I hired Billy Blanks to train me because he really isn’t doing much these days since the Tae-Bo craze has came and went.  I do pretty much whatever he tells me to do, but I told him I do have one request…

I want arms like Michelle Obama!!

rippedCheck out the guns arms on the First Lady!  Ripped!

(Note to the Secret Service, I am in no way, shape or form making a terrorist threat against the First Lady with the “guns” reference.  I’m just saying that she could crack walnuts with her biceps…that’s all.  She looks good, but don’t tell BHO I said that.  Don’t want to get into any discussion with dude about why I was lookin at his wife and sh*t.  You know how dudes get when you talk about how their wives!

They get all mad when you say their wives are lookin real good and if they weren’t around, you’d try to holla.  And how you think about trying different positions and experimenting with toys and sh*t with their wives!  You know…dudes get all bent out of shape over sh*t like that!  Calm down!  Dudes need to relax!  I don’t need that stress!)

After the gym, I have a fresh protein smoothie from either Jamba Juice or Robeks waiting in the car for me.  If neither one of those stores is in the city I’m in that day, guess what…. yep, I have it flown in to me!  Gotta have that protein to build muscle!

On the way back from the gym, I have my daily conference call with my Money Guy.

warren_buffettThis is the EXACT conversation that we have everyday:

YAKWII: Yo, how much money do I have?

Money Guy: A lot.

YAKWII: When am I going to run out?

Money Guy: Never.

YAKWII: Cool.  Holla at you tomorrow.

Never gets old!!!

After I get back home, I shower, get dressed and watch the DVD that Rosa makes for me daily of her taking a shower.  That never gets old either!

Mid-day: Now that I got all the required stuff out of the way, time to start my day!

Since I’m feeling kinda sporty today, I have my Property Guy find out where Eli Manning lives.

eli_manningI then buy a house a few hundred yards away from him.  I get up on the roof of my new house and for the next hour, practice my golf swing by slamming balls directly at his house.  When I’m done, I call my Money Guy and tell him to send Eli a check to pay for any damage I may have caused.  I then fly to Dallas and do the same thing from a rooftop near Tony Romo’s house.  Money Guy cuts him a check too.  Later this summer, I’m gonna go up to Buffalo, NY to try my range and accuracy near T.O.’s new digs.

I do this sh*t cause I want to.  I do this sh*t cause I can.

Evening: After spending a fair amount of time by myself, I want a bunch of my friends around me for dinner.  My REAL friends!  The ones who’ve been there with me thru thick and thin since day one!!

friendship1

I don’t do that Hollywood and celebrity friendship stuff!

So I dispatch my fleet of jets across the country to pick up my friends and bring them to my undisclosed location.

Here’s the deal.  I’m a private person, but I’m more than happy to share with the people who are close to me.  I regularly give my friends money, cars, vibrators, animals and all kinds of other stuff.  They never ask for anything, I just give it out.  I just have one stipulation – they cannot discuss what I give to them with anyone else!  That information can only be shared with their spouse, if they are married.  Other than their spouse, no one else can know!  That’s my only stipulation!  I haven’t had to deal with anyone who discussed our private arrangement publicly, so I don’t know exactly what I would do, but I do have an idea…

I’d make them do one of the 10,000 versions of the Soulja Boy song and dance, record it, post it on YouTube and then send it to EVERYONE!  I’m talkin like I might even start a TV network that only plays that one video 24/7!  All you have to do is stay on my good side and we’ll have no problems!

🙂

Now when I talk about dinner…I’m talking like giant feast!!  More food than we can even handle!!! Mmmmm……

grub

After dinner, we all relax by sipping libations served up by my specially trained team of mixologists.

drink-team

Now the party is gettin started!  Things always go well until A-Rod starts crying!  The guy cannot hold his f*ckin liquor!  Kills the mood EVERY TIME!  He’s always starts muttering Madonna lyrics and talking about how no one likes him!  Dude, pull yourself together!  You’re a grown a$$ man!

(FYI – After a couple of cosmos, Martha S. is a FREAK!  Colin P. too!  Martha starts talking about all her jailhouse shower stories and sh*t!  Crazy!  And I’ve caught both Martha and Colin bangin out Lindsay Lohan in the bathroom on numerous occasions!  One on One and a little gang bang action too!  Talk about risk taking!!!  Some gamble, some bungee jump and others bang Lindsay Lohan!  Hey, whatever does it for you!  Still love you Lindsay!  We’ll do brunch!  xoxo)

After Alex’s traditional alcohol-induced breakdowns, everyone hops back into my fleet of jets and heads back home.  Most of them have jobs to go to the next day, but not my a$$!  The night is just getting started for me!

Night time: This is when the REAL action happens!  The first thing I do is call up my other boys.

wtdtpPete Wentz of Fall Out Boy, Travis Barker of Blink 182, Travis McCoy of Gym Class Heroes, Lil Wayne of Lil Wayne and Donnie Wahlberg of New Kids on the Block.  (Yeah, Donnie’s still around.)  Together, we form: YAKWII+WTDTP (Wayne, Travis, Donnie, Travis & Pete).  Rock on, dude!

From here, we all hop in my newly restored 1985 Toyota Camry….

cam

and hit the town!

See, we don’t do the Hollywood or posh NYC scene.  I can buy the whole damn scene if I want to, but that so Paris Hilton-ish.  We do dive bars and we do them right!

copy-of-pbr-mhl

Nothin but PBR and Miller High Life all night long!

One of our favourite spots is Floyd NY in Brooklyn.  It has an indoor bocce court!

floyd_ny_court

Trust me, you haven’t lived until you’ve played bocce indoors while hammered!  Such a genius idea!  True story!

Our nights out are always fun.  But of course, when people start drinkin, their true thoughts and emotions always start to show thru.  When Wayne gets drunk, he can’t stay off the phone with his girlfriend.  It’s always “baby this…,”  “baby that…” and “baby, I love you!”  I mean, yeah it gets annoying a times, but I can’t fault dude for loving his girlfriend.  I’ve never met her, but it sure sounds like she’s a great girl.  That’s why I’m a little concerned…I found this picture online….

lil-wayne-kissing-babyI really hope that this is just someone playing a joke with photoshop!  I’d really hate for his “baby” to see this!!!

OK, so after a lot of boozing, a lil bocce and some “baby” – I’m done!  Luckily I’m only in stage 2 of my drunkenness.  I have 3 stages of drunkenness.  I’ll explain…

1) Waaay too Happy YAKWII – Seriously, I get way too happy and start running my mouth about anything and everything.  I give everyone daps and repeat your full government name a minimum of 25 times throughout the night.

2) Obnoxious YAKWII – It’s basically Waaay too Happy YAKWII on steroids.  I no longer talk, I yell…EVERY SINGLE WORD!!  I also like to give instant replay on everything that happens.  For example, if a nice lookin woman walks by, I’ll turn to my friends and yell “YO, A BAD A$$ CHICK JUST WALKED BY!!!!!” Of course they already know this because they’re standing right next to me and saw her walk by too, but I always figure that I’ll fill them in just in case they missed it.

3) Half Dead YAKWII – This is the point of zero return for YAKWII.  This is when I should have stopped drinking an hour ago and then I’m forced to pay the price.  Literally, I go into this half passed out/half awake state – standing or sitting.  This only happens when I give into peer pressure and let my friends push me to drink beyond my limit.  However, I’m a grown a$$ man and I ultimately make my own decisions.  It just sucks because once I hit this point, my night is OVER!  I can vividly remember two specific occasions where in fell into this zone.

b-to-p

Once in Boston, I was so bombed that I just stood in the middle of the club and couldn’t move.  Obviously it was loud, but in my head everything was perfectly quiet.  My boy kept asking me, “Yo, WTF are you doing?  Go holla at some chicks!  Go dance with some chicks!  Go drink!  Go do something!”  He was drunk too, so I don’t think he knew just how plastered I really was!  Seriously, all I was capable of doing was just standing right there in that one spot and holding onto my beer bottle for dear life!

Then one night in Providence, I got so drunk that I just took these dudes for their VIP table that they had paid for.  I was either going to fall down or sit down, so I chose the latter and just sat at their table.  The funny thing was when the dudes came to reclaim their table, one of my boys, who was also drunk, said to them “Yo, he’s good right there.”  What??  These dudes paid for this table and they let an almost unconscious drunk guy (me) and another drunk guy punk them for their table?  Wow.  Hey, it worked out for me because I sat there for the rest of the night.

OK, if you remember from earlier, I mentioned that I have a team that makes sure I get home safely after a night of boozing.  These guys are good!  Their system is like clockwork.  After me and the boys leave the bar, they give us exactly 15 minutes to BS outside.  As soon as that time is up, the guys are loaded up into SUVs and taken back to their respective homes/hotels.  This way, my team only has me to deal with – which is still a chore!

First, they form a one block perimeter around the bar because they know that if I’m in either stage 1 or 2 of drunkenness, there’s a good chance I’m going to take off running in the opposite direction as soon as they try to get me into the car.  As the perimeter slowly closes in on me, three guys always shadow my every move because at some point before I leave, I’m gonna take a piss on the sidewalk.  Whenever this occurs, they surround me like camouflage, so I don’t get myself arrested for public drunkenness and indecency.

After I take a leak, I’m ready to go.  Of course, I insist on driving, so they have a replica Camry with a specially installed device to give me the illusion of driving…

two_steering_wheelsI’m so trashed that I have no clue that I’m sitting in the passenger seat playing a video game.  Get’s me every time!  Told you these guys are good!

After I get home, I pretty much just crash.  I usually leave a trail of clothes from my front door (or the hotel lobby) to my bed.  What I wear to sleep is totally dependent upon the distance from the door to my bed.  (Those 30th floor penthouse hotel room nights usually leave me wearing only my watch by the time I get off the elevator.)

dent-ministry2

Thank God I invested in a nice watch!

Well, there you have it – “The Good Life” (Unbudgeted) by YAKWII.  I’m gonna get to this point in my life very, very soon!  I really don’t know how I’m gonna do it, but I’ll figure it out.  And when I do….WATCH OUT!  You’ll know I’m in your town when you hear on the local news that Nelson Mandela was caught streaking through City Hall.

nelson-mandelaWe do sh*t like this for fun, but the old man has lost a step….

One.

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One Response to “Billy Gates is my B*tch!!!!”

  1. This blog’s great!! Thanks :).

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